CONFRONTING WOMANHOOD

1 year on and 9 months pregnant

Due to when and where I was born, the family I was born into, and all the fights won by women who came before me, I would say I haven’t individually (rather than systemically) been held back by being a women (to my knowledge). All my life I have done what I wanted to do, how I want to do it. I have always been attracted to male dominated environments, whether that be the construction industry, poker, football, maker spaces, boxing or street art where, for the most part, I have been welcomed and have thrived. I’m not one of those women who say they get on with men more than women, instead within these male dominated spaces is where I find the women I get on with the most. Other women with masculine energy.

I carry stereotypical masculine traits. I’m a risk taker, I'm competitive and I am aggressive. I am not naturally maternal. I have taken little interest in children over the years. I have never got broody, I do not coo over babies. I don’t like to be tethered down and I am not a fan of a domestic life.

Getting my period was the first time I felt frustrated by my biology and I was so annoyed at the time, money and brain space I had to give this thing my male peers did not have to consider. I got onto contraception long before I was having sex because I wanted to have some control over this inconvenience womanhood had bestowed on me. One day in my 20s, I heard the coil could stop your periods all together and I ran to the doctors to get one inserted in me. It worked, I could not believe it, I was thrilled! I can't believe technology has allowed me to turn biological womanhood off so I could get on with being the women I wanted to be. I went to tell all my female friends about this magic I had found and I was surprised by some of the responses, some enjoyed their periods, they liked being connected to the rhythm of their cycle, they felt it helped them keep track of time. I could not relate, they are mad I thought.

In 2011 I met a man on a sticky dance floor in a nightclub in Newcastle who was to become my husband. He is all man, as much as I am all woman, but he most definitely has stereotypical feminine traits. He is naturally considered, his default is kindness, he is not a risk taker (my nick name for him is Captain Cautious) He has chosen to work in a female dominated space, he is naturally paternal and works with children. We get on like a house on fire. He is the ying to my yang.

For years we have glided through life, our biology not playing much of a role in our relationship. I married a feminist, rarely did either of us feel we had to conform to gender roles. Until we started to talk about having a family.

Deciding if I wanted children was not an easy decision for me, perhaps a process I will share another day. But the fact that biologically it was down to me to bare the children and take on the role of mother was a huge factor. I have no doubt if my husband could carry and could take on the role of ‘mother’ with all the associated consequences, we would already have already have a family. It’s probably politically incorrect, un feminist and gender essentialist of me but I’m just going to say what I felt. It's not that I didn’t want to be a parent… I didn’t want to be a mum. What I wanted, was to be a dad.

When I found out I was pregnant it took me a while not be resentful that I had to do this. My husband told me if he could carry for us he would and I believe him. He has shared his envy of my role and I wish I could hand it over to him. He would be brilliant at it, I know it. Instead due to biology and our financial situation we have fallen into the stereotypical gender roles. I am the wife who will be primary caretaker and home maker and my husband will be in charge of bringing home the bacon. wtf?!

As I write this I have just hit full term in my pregnancy. I will be giving birth in the next month, which I have to say, out of all of the mother tasks is one of the bits I am actually looking forward to. I hope I can give birth vaginally because I just think it is the most badass thing EVER! I want to ‘bare down’ and connect to the mammal that I am. I want to dig deep and feel the power of my body give life to another human. I am woman, HEAR ME ROAR! As for the rest of motherhood, we will just have to wait and see.